Laptop Gone Missing Contains Data of a “Sensitive” Nature

December 29, 2008

The following news article came down the SP Wire on Thursday December 18 @ 05:00 Greenwich Mean Time.

At approximately 11:30 Eastern Time senior agent Donald Bolden of the FBI’s cyber crime division held a press conference at the Langley, VA field office to confirm rumors that a laptop containing a large amount of sensitive information had indeed gone missing from the prominent Kringle Corp entity. The information contained on the laptop, is cited as “personal data” by Bolden, but an unnamed source tells this reporter the missing database is purportedly the infamous “naughty list”. Among other items, the stolen laptop holds the full name, address, and social security number for an estimated 2.2 billion minors from all around the world.

“This heinous act of theft truly has the potential to turn this Christmas holiday upside down,” said Bolden. “We urge the responsible party to turn yourself and the laptop in.” At this point in the investigation, the FBI and Kringle Corp are offering amnesty to anyone who brings the stolen property forward. “Don’t kid yourself though,” Bolden warned. “The FBI will find the culprit in this crime and should the laptop not be recovered until after December 24th CEO and founder of Kringle Corp, world renowned philanthropist Christopher Kringle himself, has agreed to prosecute to the full extent of the law.”

When describing exactly how the laptop went missing details get a little fuzzy. According to company logs, the laptop was last signed for by one Edward Keebler. Keebler worked for Elfco, a wholly owned subsidiary of the Kringle Corp located just outside of Mexico City. The laptop was apparently left in Keebler’s car. Company policy strictly prohibits the taking of any company laptop from the premises and as such, Keebler has been let go.

In a statement from Keebler’s lawyer, Mr. Keebler expressed being “truly sorry” for his actions. He states he was aware of the company policy, but under extreme stress from working long hours at the toy assembly plant. He had intended to use the laptop from home to catch up on some paperwork. He now realizes it was a mistake, he agrees with Kringle’s decision to terminate his employment, and he asks nothing more than to be left alone. Keebler’s lawyer also confirmed that his client would be leaving Mexico and returning to his family’s summer home, where he hopes to maybe go back to work as a pastry decorator in his older brother’s cookie factory.

While Bolden states he believes the thief or thieves probably were not aware of what was on the hard drive of the red and white striped laptop when it was taken, the FBI has not yet ruled out that this was an act of sabotage. “Let’s face it,” said Bolden. “Everybody and their brother wants to be Mr. Kringle. If this Christmas gets wrecked, there are a number of other entities out there who stand to gain from Kringle Corp’s misfortune.” Although Bolden refused to name any of Kringle’s competitors specifically, in a public announcement to shareholders just last April, founder and majority stockholder, E. Bunny, of the East-R conglomerate stood before his fellow stake holders and announced his clear intention to move his company into the pole position by the year 2011, using “whatever means necessary”.

While Christopher Kringle himself was not available for comment, his “right-hand-sized” man, Jack Frost, made a statement on his behalf. “Regardless of the outcome to this series of unfortunate events, Mr. Kringle and his entire organization is dedicated to their vision. If we have to double our call center staff in India , telephone every parent, and re-key all the data, then that’s what we’ll do.” Despite the seriousness of this situation, Mr. Frost remained cheerful. As he hurried along with his personal security entourage from the site of the press conference to his corporate sleigh, he took the time to comfort one somber looking little boy and his mother.

“ You can count on us,” Frost told the teary eyed kid. “We are going to do whatever it takes to insure a Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”

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